In a matter of a couple of months, give or take, I will be divorced. This is something that needed to happen and was the right decision. It is something I am at peace with and being on my own truly has been the best thing for me. I have changed, learned and grown so much. Even though I am not where I want to be yet I am now the best version of myself. I’m stronger than I thought possible and have flourished in my independence. I now have such a clear vision of what I want for my future and who I want in it.
But I also have fear. So much fear. At the moment overwhelming fear. Fear because I know soon there will be no more excuses. I can be open and vulnerable with someone with nothing but myself holding me back. I can open my heart, let my guard down and invite someone in. I can trust someone and connect on a deep level. I can allow myself to feel again. I don’t have to be alone. I can be in a real and meaningful relationship. I can let someone get close enough to hurt me. And that is terrifying.
My life has been so full of heartbreak, loss and pain. I had to fight so long and hard to get to where I am and be who I am now. After fighting to get here I can now see so much beauty in what my life has become. With so much beauty and promise in what my life could be. There’s nothing holding me back from this beauty, except fear. And that fear makes me want to shut down. To disappear. To pull away and shut out the people I don’t want to shut out. Self-preservation I suppose you could say. For I can’t feel rejected by someone if I reject myself first. Life would be so much easier if I just keep myself closed off and never let anyone in.
I know that’s not what I really want though. I know I’m just freaking out because I’m afraid. I wish I could say I know how to get past the fear, but I don’t. The fear is real and rational because of all the hurt in my life. And I’m tired of being hurt. I know being hurt is a part of life. I know some people are most definitely worth the risk. I also know when I do get into a relationship I will fight like hell for it because that’s who I am. But right now………right now I think I just need to disappear. Just for a moment.