Darkness, all I feel is darkness. All I see is darkness. I’m drowning, gasping for air that isn’t there. I know what’s going on on. I know the familiar feeling of hopelessness. The overwhelming urge to just give up, the dissociation. Let the darkness overcome me and finally give in. I’m tired of faking it, I’m so frigging tired. I do have my moments though. My genuine moments of happiness and joy. The good days, and the good days or months sometimes are amazing. But that’s not where I am right now. Right now I’m dark. Everything is overwhelming, everything is a struggle. I want to be free. I want to feel light, to be light. But I also want to self destruct. I want to let it all fall apart. I want to make mistakes. I want to be reckless. I want to live in the moment not concerned about consequences. I want to scream.
So I’m pulling back now. Retreating into myself. I don’t want to, really I don’t. I’m trying not to but I feel it happening. It feels out of my control. I want to fight it. I don’t want to shut down. But I’m shutting down. I’m shutting off my emotions because feeling nothing is better than feeling too much of anything. And I always feel everything so deeply. Too deeply. Numbness is nothing new to me. Honestly I don’t I’ve let myself really feel for a long time. It’s my protection. It’s my armor and my shield. My safe haven. And right now I just want to feel safe.
I know it’s just a wave. It won’t last forever. Once it’s washed over me I’ll be ok again. The light will be back and the darkness just a shameful memory. But in the moment, this real and raw moment it feels like it will never end. It feels like there is no hope. It feels like this will last forever and I’ll never feel anything but darkness. I feel like I’m fighting a battle I won’t win, can’t win. I feel like I can’t breathe. Everything around me, everything inside me is chaos. I crave the peace and the calm. But I’m trapped inside this raging storm of darkness.
And it comforts me because it feels like home. A home I’m trapped in but home nonetheless. And this home is dark and scary. So I won’t let you in, I can’t let you in. It’s for your own protection. I’ll keep everyone at a safe distance so I don’t hurt anyone except myself. Because what’s worse than my own pain is causing pain to the few people who actually fight for me. I won’t let my damage be the cause of someone else’s pain. But this is who I am. Sometimes I am light, so so much light. But right now….right now I am darkness.